WEEK TWO: Dead (lift) chuffed

THE TRAINING: 2 hours of weights and 2x45 mins of reformer pilates

Weight: 11st12lb

THE MINDSET: Holy Jesus am I HUNGRY. I’ve never known anything like it. Actually, tell a lie. When I was breast-feeding I was this ravenous. I’ve tried really hard to stick to healthier options like almonds and apples with peanut butter, but then I go and buy smoked almonds or something ludicrously irresistible and polish off the lot.

So it was no great surprise when I weighed on Wednesday and found I’d gained 2lb. Thanks to Boditrax I could see that what I’d gained was pure muscle. My fat mass had actually declined while in just a week, my muscle mass was actually up by a stunning 2kg! That’s two whole bags of sugar, right?

THE SESSIONS: The sessions this week focused on making all the exercise full body exercises, through engaging the glutes and core no matter what I’m doing. And as Jon explained, when the reps get really tough, if you switch on all those big muscle groups at the same time, you can complete the set. Annoyingly while doing my first ever deadlift I learn he’s right.

On the subject of deadlifts, did I mention I did some? Because I’m really bloody chuffed about this (and Jon was pretty proud of me too). I lifted 50kg without too much trouble , and it looks pretty badass (to me anyway). So many of the weights I do with Jon are the lightest possible, or even more humiliatingly, just the bar without any weights loaded on. Even though this isn’t even my full bodyweight (although J-dog reckons we’ll get there fairly soon) it looks pretty impressive, right?

And while I wouldn’t recommend anyone just go in cold and start huffing away at the barbels, it is worth getting a PT to talk you through, because as I mentioned, it really is a full body exercise – working your glutes, legs, back and arms. Plus it looks freakin’ awesome.

Anyway, enough about my DEADLIFT. The other lessons I took from this week was more pedestrian. My standing posture is atrocious according to Jon, and I’m willing to bet yours is too. I stand, pretty much all the time all sunk into one hip. This crime is one of the reasons we all have lower back pain according to Jon. Our glutes are switched off so much in modern life, by sitting excessively and standing lazily. He sets me the posture challenge as homework, and I literally have to correct myself every five minutes and bring my weight back to both feet.

At the end of the week I was away snowboarding for the weekend in Switzerland with my galpal Kristjana so all the training went on hold for four days – although boarding is like holding a permanent squat, so I’m not sure it did me any harm. The bottle of wine I polished off with a fondue though… that’s another matter.

But I did have something of an emotional epiphany when we were away. The hotel had a mixed sauna and the rules stated NO SWIMWEAR. I’m completely cool with Kristjana seeing me naked, but a bunch of random foreigners? The first day we just styled it out in or cozzies, but felt so foolish in front of the naked locals that the next day we braved it. Even while using the plunge pool that was carved out of the ice outside. In broad daylight we took turns to dip in it. And the thing about pubic nudity is, I discovered, is it forces you to face up to your flaws, because in reality, nobody else is perfect either. And after a day of joy on the mountains pushing that body to its limits, you’re forced to have a moment of gratitude and appreciation for it. And that ain’t no small thing now, is it, eh?

WEEK ONE: Squat goals

THE TRAINING: 2 hours of weights and 3x45 mins of reformer pilates

WEIGHT: 11st10

THE MINDSET: You know that motivational tip that says put your fitkit on first thing in the morning, so you can’t help but workout? I’ve got to the point where I’ve got no choice. The only things in my wardrobe that fit have a generous degree of Lycra or belong to my husband.

What’s so frustrating about this state of affairs is that when I’d finished breast-feeding the now six-year-old Bibi, I’d lost all my baby weight and then some. Having been a steady size 14 for most of my adult life, running and carb-cutting had got me down to a 10. I wore shorts, had a spray tan without apologizing for my too-big body, eyed all fashion able to decide whether I liked it, rather than whether it would hide my hips and trunk-like legs…

And then…

I think it was a slow return to takeaway curries (I favour paneer, I mean seriously. Cheese curry! Is it any wonder I chubbed up?), no time to exercise (the long hours and endless supply of sugary treats sent in by PRs to the staff at Grazia meant the mag has the moniker Fatzia among journos – and it was certainly true for me) and the habit of drinking most nights that did for my diet.

I am MISERABLE. My back hurts, I’ve got no energy and the way I look has given my self esteem such a shoeing, that I can’t even bear to look at myself in the mirror.

So, no pressure Jon, but my happiness and my health are in your hands…

THE SESSIONS: Jon is a believer in HIIT (high intensity interval training) which means that warm-ups are fast and hard. He had me competing against myself on the rowing machine with five bursts of 250 metre sprints. The last one has to be balls out, as Jon describes it, and why it works is you’re so focused on nailing your previous time, you forget how much you’re grunting and panting to get it done.

For the rest of both sessions, he takes me painstakingly through the set-up for major moves, like squats, lunges and chest presses. Almost everyone squats incorrectly meaning your, ahem, ass, never gets the workout it needs. My and the J-man have made a video, see below, so follow it if you want to polish your squat to perfection.

Lunges and the chest press get just as much attention, but finally at the end of the second session the penny drops that if I want to start lifting heavier weights, my technique has to be absolutely on point, or I’m going to get injured (and then even fatter which cannot happen!).

To finish this week, I registered on the Virgin Active Boditrax machine, which analyses your body composition in glorious detail. While some information I know only too well - most of my fat is carried on my legs (like, chur), my visceral fat (y’know, around your organs) is on the low side and my metabolic age (some complicated metric that measures BMI, fat mass, muscle mass and I dunno, how well you applied your mascara) was 39, three years younger than I actually am! I’ll take it. Now, while I appreciate if you don’t have access to this piece of gym techno-whizzbangery, none of this is terribly useful, but I will offer you this. I was so upset with myself and how much weight I’d put on, I’d avoided the scales, the mirror and facing up to my reality for months. But things weren’t quite as bad as I thought. And while I’m heavier than ever, I’m not 100% blob as I’d suspected. And even if I was, burying my head in the sand about it wasn’t helping. So, get measured would be my advice. And keep measuring. Because good or bad at least you are handling the truth (insert your own creepy Tom Cruise reference here).